OT: How much should we wait?

[• ELIDA-backstreet-girl •]

I have this friend[22 y.o] who is having her first boyfriend for about 9 months now but they haven't had sex yet.
She told me she loves him, he seems to love her too but she wants to wait a bit more[before she loses her virginity to him].

They've even been arguing a couple of times because seems like the guy is becoming impatient to have sex with her.
On the other hand she is advised to leave him because if he really loved her, he'd wait no matter how long that would take. [according to some]

He says he loves her very much but a true relationship is not just about staying together, it's also about sleeping and making love to each other.
He says she doesn't love love him because if she did, she would give her virginity to him.
On the other hand, she says he doesn't love her because he doesn't seem to respect her decision.
He says sex is a natural part of the relationship and he sees no reason to wait for more.

In public, they seem to get along pretty well and show affection and respect for each other. They seem to care for each other, they just don't agree with this part.
He wasn't looking for sex from he beginning of the relationship, he started asking this lately.
************************************************** ***
My questions are :
- Is it true that only someone who really loves you will wait for you (even if it has to be a long time), before they have sex with you?

- How much would you be willing to wait to have sex with your SO [if the latter wasn't ready, yet].?

[DES]

Well. First of all, I don't really know men who aren't looking for sex. lol That being said, what are her reasons for not having sex after 9 months? Are they in a 100% monogamous, committed relationship? Does she want to wait until marriage? Is it a cultural thing? Religious, family thing?

I'm only asking that because I'm curious.

The fact is, she doesn't. The other fact is, he's pressuring her and that's a big no-no. She's right, it is about respect. If he can't respect that she wants to wait for whatever reason then he needs to move on and find some girl who will give him what he wants. And she needs to encourage him to move on. No man gets to pressure a woman into doing anything she doesn't want to do and make her feel uncomfortable about it. No woman needs to take that pressure.

[LCD]

The reason why she won't sleep with him right now doesn't really matter. If she says no to it - it is a no.
He has to accept it. If he's just into the sex and is pressuring her that much then she should ask herself if he's what
she truly wants.

[Kristy]

If she says no and wants to wait - that should be the end of the discussion. If he can't accept her decision then that relationship needs to end. No woman should ever do something just because her boyfriend wants her to. If she sleeps with him just to sleep with him, she'll end up regretting it and resenting him for making her rush into it. No one should ever start having sex just because they feel pressured, or they think its what "couples are supposed to do". Your friend should wait until she is completely ready and comfortable. However hard it may be, if her boyfriend isn't willing to wait for her, then that's HIS problem and they shouldn't be together.

[Bilitis]

There is no perfect timing for your first time. If she doesn't feel ready yet, then the answer seems pretty obvious to me, yes she should wait. No matter how old she is and how long they've been together. And he should respect her decision. Yes, sex is part of a relationship. But only if both partners are 100% confident about it.

[• ELIDA-backstreet-girl •]

Well. First of all, I don't really know men who aren't looking for sex. lol That being said, what are her reasons for not having sex after 9 months? Are they in a 100% monogamous, committed relationship? Does she want to wait until marriage? Is it a cultural thing? Religious, family thing?

.
She doesn't want to wait 'til marriage, they are in a committed relationship - monogamous, it has nothing to do with religion....she is just afraid of the idea of having sex also ... she doesn't feel like giving it to him for the way he's asking for it.

[ajsmusicgirl]

It seems like the guy is pressuring her to have sex with him. If this guy really cared he would wait for her and not let his crazed hormones overtake him. Also it doesn't seem like he's a gentleman at all, imo. I would leave this guy if he keeps pressuring her. The relationship doesn't sound like it's for real - he just wants to sleep with her and that's it...........:(

[Krazi4Sugar]

Well I have been in a relationship with my bf for 3 and a half years. I'm still not ready.
He's had sex with many women before he started dating me.
But he understands that I am just not ready and he has no problem waiting for me.
I think that's what every girl deserves.

[CaRRiECc]

I think you should just wait until you feel the time is right. :) Me personally, I'm going to try to wait until marriage.

[carmen queasy]

Yes, if someone truely loves you they're going to wait like it or not. But I think it's important to put the cards on the table early, because sex is an important aspect of a relationship to some people.
I lost my virginity in my teens, to a guy I wasn't serious with. I definately wasn't ready for it. I don't regret it but I would highly recommend people lose their virginity to someone they love. Because it can be a very special thing. And it took me some time to enjoy sex for all its aspects, emotional and physical.
With that being said, I personally don't think I could wait years to have sex with someone. I'd be willing to wait for a while, but I don't think I could be with someone who was waiting for marriage, because sex is important to me. It might not be the most important thing in a relationship, but I personally do think it holds some value in a relationship.

[DES]

She doesn't want to wait 'til marriage, they are in a committed relationship - monogamous, it has nothing to do with religion....she is just afraid of the idea of having sex also ... she doesn't feel like giving it to him for the way he's asking for it.

If she's not ready, then she's not ready. If they've talked about it and he's still pressuring her, that's not a good thing.

[SuzyKHowieDLover]

I was brought up with the teaching that you wait until you're married to have sex, and then you stay married and only have sex with your husband so you can have kids. Of course I didn't listen to that no sex before marriage teaching when I found a guy I really had a HUGE crush on, and I had sex for the first time when I was 15. :( If I had it to do over again now, I would not do it. As for your friend, no means no, and if the guy can't respect her and honor her request, then in my opinion, she should tell him to shove off. If he's getting angry and upset with her because she won't "put out" then he's not someone I would want in my life.

[• ELIDA-backstreet-girl •]

I agree with you all that he should respect her decision....

This caught my attention...

Well I have been in a relationship with my bf for 3 and a half years. I'm still not ready.
He's had sex with many women before he started dating me.
But he understands that I am just not ready and he has no problem waiting for me.
I think that's what every girl deserves.
Seems like 3 years is very much lol ...If I were you I'd wonder if he's getting it somewhere else.
But I think you're really lucky to have someone who understands you like he does.

[bsbbrianfan]

I was in a similar situation when I was 19 years old in 2004. I dated this guy for a few months at the time and one day he took me out to dinner and to a movie and bought me some stuff then when we got home he automatically assumed that I would have sex with him because he treated me to that stuff! I told him no and he locked me in his bedroom! I told him I would scream if he wouldn't take me home right away! Needless to say he took me home and I didn't hear from him for about 3 years! It turns out during that time he went to Iraq and fought in the war and matured ALOT! He was on leave in November 2007 and he found me and asked me out again! I gave him another chance and we dated for almost a year until we finally did the deed. He didn't pressure me anymore and that was all I ever wanted! By this time we were both 23 and I was ready. We are still on and off dating at this time. So to make a long story short if your friend isn't ready yet he should respect that and that's all that matters! If he really cares about her he will stick around.

[ImmortalxKiss]

I don't believe anyone should have a timeline for sex. When it feels right to BOTH PARTNERS that's the right time.

I am 26 and still a virgin. I just haven't met anyone that I felt was worth that much of my self. And I know I am in the minotiry and that's fine. I have no regrets.

[sweetnesskrissy]

I think he should repect her..

[• ELIDA-backstreet-girl •]

I don't believe anyone should have a timeline for sex. When it feels right to BOTH PARTNERS that's the right time.

I am 26 and still a virgin. I just haven't met anyone that I felt was worth that much of my self. And I know I am in the minotiry and that's fine. I have no regrets.

yeah. it's hard to find 26 y.o. virgins nowaday. BTW, where do you live? Is virginity important over there or it's just you?

[Ala]

I have a colleague who's 34 and still a virgin, and not even for religious reasons.

So far as I'm concerned, I can understand both sides.
Men think sex, there's no other way to put it. But he has to really be in love to be willing to wait 9 months for your friend. Can't blame him for getting impatient, though.
For women, it's different, especially the first time. At least so far as I'm concerned, I don't know one woman for whom her first time wasn't an important deal. So if she's not ready, then she's not ready and she'd better wait. If she's just scared ... then nothing's going to change that, not even time. And it's going to be the same each time she'll have sex with a new partner.

Bottom line, I think she should think about the actual reasons why she doesn't want to have sex (is it really that she doesn't feel ready or is she scared?) and then sit down with her boyfriend and discuss it. Men CAN understand, but it takes a little time and a lot of patience.
But she should also keep in mind that sex is an important part of a relationship.

[pinky]

She doesn't want to wait 'til marriage, they are in a committed relationship - monogamous, it has nothing to do with religion....she is just afraid of the idea of having sex also ... she doesn't feel like giving it to him for the way he's asking for it.


So if she's not ready, then she's not ready and she'd better wait. If she's just scared ... then nothing's going to change that, not even time. And it's going to be the same each time she'll have sex with a new partner.

Bottom line, I think she should think about the actual reasons why she doesn't want to have sex (is it really that she doesn't feel ready or is she scared?) and then sit down with her boyfriend and discuss it. Men CAN understand, but it takes a little time and a lot of patience.
But she should also keep in mind that sex is an important part of a relationship.If she truly IS scared about it, the way he's pressuring her is only going to make that worse. And the fact that she's not willing to give him her virginity should be a sign to her that he's probably not the one she SHOULD give it to. Our instincts are usually right in these things.

It doesn't sound as though he's willing to be patient (yes, I know that 9 months is a long time these days!), and if he really is pressuring her to have sex when she's obviously not ready to do so, I doubt he would even care about her reasons. It's all about respect for her, and he doesn't seem to have that.

[Anabel]

I think that if he's reluctant to wait any more time and she doesn't feel completely sure about wanting to do it, than maybe they should re-think if they want to be in a relationship anymore.

I personally don't think 9 months is a long time, there's a guy who's still a virgin and has been waiting for me for over 4 years and I'm still not sure he'll be the one for me at all but I've made my rules clear from the beggining so he knew what he was getting into lol.

[Descending_Angel]

Umm...well, I can see if she waits because she's not ready but not to wait if she's scared...it's not gonna get any better with time! :p Either way, everyone waits a different period of time - I like sex so I believe in getting started almost immediately when I'm sure I'm into a guy. *lol* :p

[ImmortalxKiss]

yeah. it's hard to find 26 y.o. virgins nowaday. BTW, where do you live? Is virginity important over there or it's just you?

Heh, I live in the United States. Florida to be exact. I just haven't found the right one and once I got older, I just got more determined to hold onto it until I met someone special

[Lt.Dallas]

If I were to do it all over again, I'd wait until marriage. I'm far from being a virgin, but I truly feel that if I'd waited, I wouldn't be the age I am now, a single parent and still waiting on my true love.

Believe it or not, LOTS of people even today wait until marriage. I'm not saying it's wrong to not wait until marriage, I'm just saying that for me, I feel if I'd waited, I'd be much more fulfilled in my life.

[sweetnesskrissy]

I agree!!!